Moms

Asked of elementary-school-aged children:

Q. Why did God make mothers?
A. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

Q. What ingredients are mothers made of?
A. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

Q. What kind of little girl was your mom?
A1. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
A2. They say she used to be nice.

Q. What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?
A1. His last name.
A2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
A3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Q. Why did your mom marry your dad?
A. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Q. Who's the boss at your house?
A1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a goofball.
A2. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

Q. What's the difference between moms and dads?
A1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
A2. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
A3. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.

Q. What does your mom do in her spare time?
A. Mothers don't do spare time.

Q. What would it take to make your mom perfect?
A1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
A2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

Q. If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
A1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
A2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
A3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

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THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my four-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took it away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been lying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and it probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh..." I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy."

We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh, I get it!" she beamed. "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."